Why do we send our parents to an elderly home?

What a question, henry.....

Personally, I despise nursing homes. I do not want my moma in one. I do not ever want to be put in one. I will not voluntarily put a loved one in one -unless- their medical treatments dictate it. If the care simply cannot be tended at home, and other facilities are required, then I adapt accordingly, I think.

I have seen family members sent to nursing homes to finish out their lives. They were exiled to facilities while their minds were still sharp, while they still functioned relatively well, although age had taken a bit of mobility away from them. It was truly an awful thing to experience for them, and I despised being in the position to have to watch it.

With that said, what are your parents wishes?

We start out as helpless newborns and return as helpless adults...the circle of life. That's where the 24 hour care comes in again ..at the end of life. Most reach this point and it is very difficult for loved ones to provide or even afford the care that is needed. One newer aspect to consider are: the Elderly abuse laws. The law list for Elderly abuse has lengthened.

Some states now have Mandatory reporting laws. One of the abuses is "lack of medical care". If a parent refuses to go to the doctor but is in a middle stage of dementia then the liability could be invoked for the caregiver. So far, it has only been the worst abuses that have been prosecuted. Yet there could conceivably be a time when someone could be charged and have the expense of defending their position re the parental care.

People need to have their plans in place. I've told my children, who don't have medical training, put me in a nursing home, if I don't go quicker. States are now regulating the nursing homes better than they use too. Yet, the stigma of a nursing home is still in place.

That is where people need to visit and check the financials and hiring practices. People can check out any activity regarding state sanctions on state websites. Private inhome care is way too expensive for most and on the downside, relatives that don't have medical training can sometimes unintentionally do more harm than good.

This is an extremely difficult and perplexing issue. It really depends on how invalid the parents become and on the capacity of the child to cope with this, both financially, emotionally and practically.

Especially if the child has a young family of their own to look after.

I think its a trap that children "owe" their parents for looking after them. The children were never asked to be born - the parents made a conscious decision to have children and all that goes with that.

In some countries (usually without an established welfare system) having children is the only perceived way of ensuring that you are looked after to some degree in your old age. But in these countries there is usually the "extended" family living in the same house and the burden is able to be shared.

In the western nuclear family, the burden usually falls on only one child, and that is a very difficult burden indeed.

I think that old age homes and nursing homes have emerged as a response to our lack of extended family living - the "nuclear" family cannot cope with an elderly parent that needs constant care. After all, most of the current generation of nuclear families cannot cope with children - that is why we have "day care" and "child care" centres, and mom and dad continue working and carrying on their lives as if they had no children.

So if current parents are outsourcing the care of their children - why would they expect that their children would not outsource the care of them when they become invalid?

As I said - a difficult and perplexing issue - and one that we will all inevitably have to face. I have faced it - and I still don't know if I did the right thing, and probably never will.

As for me - do I want to burden my children with looking after me? I honestly think that I will get better care at a good nursing home than either of my children would be able to provide. I certainly did not have my children in the hope that I would be looked after in my old age. I just hope that they would be able to visit me more often than I was able to visit my dad, who died in a nursing home only a few months ago....

My mothers side of the family has NEVER put a member in a nursing home. Thankfully, nobody has needed extreme medical care. We believe in keeping our elderly in the home with us until the very end.

I would NEVER put my mother in a home so long as I could afford to care for her myself, or at least pay for an in-home nurse. I know the last thing she would ever want is to live out her last days in a nursing facility. She deserves to be near family and living in her own home, not with 50-100 strangers where she can be mistreated, neglected, and forgotten. Dont get me wrong, some nursing facilities (especially high-end ones) are VERY nice, and some families consistently visit members in nursing homes, but its not for my mother and my family.

henry,

In the State in which I live, and have lived for the past 16 years, our assisted living facilities are more like posh hotels in the majority of cases. My Mom was stricken with several strokes in her 70s and was living in her home in another State. Medicare covered in-home care provided by a wonderful woman for the first few years after Mom became unable to walk without assistance. She refused to move closer to where I was living, preferring to remain in her own home.

When she suffered another stroke that left her hearing and vision impaired, her primary care physician and I had a long talk and he said it was mandatory that she be someplace where she could receive around-the-clock supervision and care. I carefully checked out and visited the assisted living facilities near my home and, to be quite honest, was delighted at how beautiful they were. Each resident had his or her own rooms (living room, bath, bedroom) and they brought their own cherished pieces of furniture from their homes as furnishings.

Mom absolutely loved it there. She was surrounded by people of her own age, with similar memories. The staff was amazing; organized outings and in-house entertainments and activities; had a doctor on staff who specialized in age-related ailments. Most importantly, there were nurses there 24/7 to administer required medications and assisted those, like Mom, who required help moving about. She thrived...both from the attention of staff and from the joy of being around people her own age.

I had the joy of being able to run errands for her, visit with her several times weekly and the comfort of knowing that her medical needs were being seen to by those far more qualified than I. She actually thanked me multiple times for finding such a wonderful place for her to feel safe and cared for.

Like your parents, mine did not want to be intrusive. Also, I discovered that the elderly are fully aware that their bodies are failing, while their spirits remain forever young. Being among others experiencing the same end-of-life physical deterioration, people who could grasp the frustrations and laugh together over them, being in their own little nests with their own furnishings, having the security of knowing trained medical staff was there to administer required assistance, was, according to my Mom, a great relief to her. She didn't feel like a "burden" (the idea of which horrified her) and felt, in her words, elated that she didn't have to pretend to feel well when she didn't so she wouldn't feel like she was "burdening" me. Most importantly, she still had her own little place, rather than accommodating herself to be in mine. She said it made her feel "independent" still.

I know this is a long post, but I wanted to share my experience, and that of my Mom, with you.

This is a very complex issue. As parents age, they become more dependent and role-switching takes place. Some elderly cannot accept this (my mother, for one) and there's constant suspicion and personality clashes. My sister fixed two rooms in her room so Mom could have a bedroom and sitting room. Mom stayed there maybe two days, then called a neighbor to come get her and take her home. Mom trusted a neighbor she had known only three years more than she trusted any of her own children.

Many elderly need more care and stimulation than their adult children can give them. The retirement community where I live has three levels of care and many planned activities as well as opportunities for volunteerism. I am the first to admit I am very, very fortunate.

Third, if the relationship between parent and child has never developed into one of mutual respect and courtesy, it will not suddenly change and the resulting tension can be unbearable.

Personalities sometimes change; one friend of mine had her mother living with her until the mother became consistently vicious toward her grandchildren, pulling their hair, poking them with knitting needles and so on.

There are no easy answers. We do the best we can and no one can really judge another in cases like this.

Some people are incredibly fortunate to have family that cares living close by with both the time and means to provide for their ill or hospice parents.

For all the talk I hear of the elderly getting the short shrift in the US, I see an awful lot of the elderly in my community getting to do exactly that.

Case in point: A neighbor of my mother-in-law's had her cancer recur and metastasize. Her kids flocked back from all parts of the country to make sure she was well taken care of.

In the ideal world, everyone gets to live their life in their home until the end.

This isn't the ideal world. There's employers who won't give you the time off, people who don't have the means to care for themselves and their parents, or live severely elsewhere and can't drop everything to head back to their parents.

i'm going to go out on a limb and suggest that our culture's fixation on individual independence has something to do with this. i think there is a tendency on the part of both elderly parents and their children to try to preserve some sense of independence throughout life, and we have come to see "moving back in with the kids," no matter what age, as a certain kind of failure — a failure that reflects poorly on the self-sufficiency and perceived competence of the person in question.

we live in a society where many people are "too proud" to ask for help. i think this can translate into an attitude on the children of elderly parents to hesitate in offering their home as a residence, but it also translates into this idea that holding onto that sense of independence is naturally a good thing. when we look at the pros and cons, for example, of putting our older parents into nursing homes, i think we tend to give a lot more weight to the "independence" factor — in other words, there has to be quite a few cons to offset the single "pro" of this idea that our older parents somehow "need" to live in their own place — even if that place isnt really a home. i say this because my sense is that children (and sometimes the parents, too) rationalize nursing homes as "retirement communities," where "at least" the older person is able to live on their own, in their own room, with their own "group," etc.

just a thought.

then there's the basic psychological aspect, "I'm old but as long as I stay out of a nursing home, I won't die". Independance is great but there's a point of no return. Too many stroke victims as above, don't really understand and are against moving into a home w/care. All of the above are helpful in understanding the wall that we'll all be up against one day. Hopefully, it won't be an unhappy one.

A difficult topic made more so by the diaspora of the family members and that fewer and fewer of us work in environments where death and crippling injuries are a regular consequence of that job.

That said, it is an ongoing conversation that should be held within each family while all are of sound mind; with the understanding of all in mind.

Legal instruments now available should be used and in place early. These include, but not limited to, End Life Directives and Advanced Medical Directives. Each State has their own forms online and Veterans can download the VA form from their site.

Rather than remain in my secluded housing when my injuries no longer allowed me to work; I moved into an historical University neighborhood. I need only to walk across the street to get most anything I need. The biggest bonus is being surrounded by bright young persons who challenge my mind and help keep me out of the depths of depression, isolation, and loneliness between visits by my children and grandchildren. Not immersed in an environment of those who's focus is their own condition, I find myself healthier.

These steps and the physical location of my quarters have put all my children at ease. They bear none of the guilt or stresses of making the final choices as they've all been made by us and spelled out to a fault.

I offer that this should be a natural part of life in that the one thing guaranteed us in life is death and as such should not be a fearful event.

Just a thought from an old soldier and coal miner.

May each of you find a path that fulfills your needs.

I hate those "warehouses". They cared for us when we were vulnerable. It becomes our turn to return the favor. Thanks for the article.

henry-- I read this article, stewed a bit, and then came back to it.

So far, the only member of my family and my husband's family to have lived in a nursing home was my father-in-law. He had a major stroke, and was not only physically devastated, but mentally disoriented. My loving, wonderful mother-in-law, who would not hear of him being put into a nursing facility, killed herself, trying to take care of him. She had health issues of her own, and just wasn't able to do it. She refused to have any outside help, thinking that the youngest daughter could help her. Really bad idea!

After her death, in order to provide a home for my husband's youngest sister, who has mental issues, (she is a functioning trinome), they thought that she could take care of him. Wrong-- she can barely take care of herself. Her IQ is 2 points above the limit for state-supervised care. So, after about 6 months of that fiasco-- we all sat down at a family meeting.

First, we tried live-in help, but no one could get along with the daughter. It was a mess! And it cost a fortune! Then, we took a good hard look at ourselves. All of us work-- husbands and wives. There was not one soul that could stay home all day to care for him. In addition, he was a large man. He needed to be lifted, at times, and none of the wives were strong enough. I certainly am not strong enough-- I've got my own heart health issues.

Thanks to his dementia, he had to be watched 24 hours a day-- So, he had a lot of money in the bank, and we found one of the best nursing facilities in the state. It was like going on a cruise, but it never reached port. His care was excellent! They managed to keep him alive for 8 years, until he was running out of money. Then, they put him in the hosperice program, and, poor man, he passed away. My husband visited him every week, for 8 long years. Every time he went, I sent Dad a treat of some sort-- flowers, candy, toys, cookies, new running suits, you name it, my semi-fertile brain thought of it and sent it.

I do not feel guilty about placing him in a nursing facility. He had the best care that money could provide. He had better care than any of us could provide. And it cost $800,000.

Would I do this with my own mother? Under similar circumstances, yes, I would. I have an 11 year old son. My first duty is to try to stay alive for him. My mother is suffering from extreme memory loss, and is beginning to show the early signs of dementia, but is, so far, physically able to care for herself. The time will come when she likely will not be able to care for herself. I am an only child, and I will have no choice. All emotions aside-- I will visit her, I will be there for her, I will do my best by her-- but I can not care for her, physically. God help me.

Reasoning this out my first thought was.. Because the family did not have the patience needed to deal with caring for the elderly person... Then another thought ran through my mind.. that the family is too busy to care for someone that took care of them and had the patience to put up with everything that went on in the family.. that worked most of their life to support, to make sure food was on the table and a roof over their head, and now someone is setting them out to pasture.

My mother-in-law stayed with my wife and I until almost the very end.. between Dementia and other ailments of this 4' 10" shriveled up elderly lady who had to be cared for almost 24/7 - we had a visiting nurse each week, and my wife aside from working as a nurse - between the two she was in her own home up until 2 weeks before she passed.

It takes Family to take care of Family.. I have always believed this...Sure, its difficult at times.. as I mentioned.. they were there for us good times and bad.. they gave of themselves when they really did not have to.. and their drive and determination when we needed it benefited us.

I do not believe in sending an elderly person to their last throes in some strange place... unless the family hasn't 'any time' for them....although in many families that person 'had time' for you. Many arrangements can be made with VNA (Visiting Nurses Association) - state money - where the person can be cared for in the home, all it would take is someone making sure she has taken their medications.

One last reason other than placing them in a strange place, is the cost associated with doing so...okay..one more reason associated with that.. Is that in many instances than not - The kind of attention some elderly receive in certain facilities is much less than stellar... too many stories of neglect, hitting, and utterly being mean.

Okay..one more that I just thought of that deals in cost.. Imagine if you will how much it cost the taxpayers to house the elderly in these homes... Also, many of the elderly were pushed out of their own homes through tax hikes on their property that they owned a long time.. If we as human beings continue to force the elderly out of their homes prematurely through taxing their property so some town can have a school then more elderly will be forced out of their homes into strange places where they are 'sometimes' not cared for with the love and respect that they surely deserve.

Hmmm you pose an interesting question Henry. Personally I've never really understood why we moved away from multi-generational homes after WWII. For me I'd do the best I could for them here and they know that they are welcome at my home anytime they wish but if it was medically necessary then and only then would I be willing to look at a nursing home.

I know a couple who has 5 child. Half of them want them to be in a nursing home. One has Parkinson's and the other has the beginning of Alzheimers.

Reason why? 3 of the children have 2 less things to worry about. Disgusting, isn't it. Also, the 3 children RARELY come around to visit their parents. Holidays? Nope. Parents' birthdays? Nope. Just one daughter does this and she is always coming over. The other son doesn't get involved because he has his own problems.

Put them into a nursing home and then the children wouldn't have to worry about anything. Hell, one of the daughters threw the mother into a nuthouse for a few months because of an 'episode' (she locked herself in her room because she was upset about something. So their logic is, she did this = she's a danger to herself and she is nuts. I know the woman: she's not crazy. She is probably depressed that out of 5 children that she gave birth to, only one shows up. She hasn't seen some of her grandchildren, great-grandchildren in YEARS. To add insult to injury, all but one of the children live nearby. Less than half an hour away).

Part of me is waiting for this to happen to the children that want them in a home: let their own children throw them into one and never stop by or communicate to them. Go get thrown into a nuthouse for something trivial.

Knowing what to do with elderly parents is a complex situation and those facing it should sit down with a professional to learn their options. I work with the elderly and some of the elderly I've worked with should be in homes for their safety because their children are abusers. When the elderly are brought home to live with their children, their children should be willing to hire Home Health Aides who can be a great help and who are experienced in the care of the elderly. If an elderly parent is ill, most children don't know how to help and can be a hindrance in the care of that elderly parent. Most of them will not even take the time to attend classes to learn how to help their elderly love ones.

Most people believe it's as simple as plopping the the elderly in a bedroom and that's it but it's not. You have to consider activities and know how to prompt them to do things they need to do to stay healthy and unless you're a trained health professional, you'll only be providing a boring place for them to sit and wait until they die.

It's a crying shame that children or families shove the elderly away and forget about them. I volunteer a few hours once or twice a week at our local retirement home. I spend time with the old folks who don't get any visitors. I read to them, wheel them out in the garden, or just sit and listen to them. I hope this article lights a spark in some, that it will get you to thinking, because it could be you someday. Give something back to this wonderful people. Volunteer an hour or two a week at a retirement center. You bring so much light into these old folk's lonely lives. They have a lot of love and a world of wisdom to give in return.

In Japan it's reasonably unusual to put elderly relatives in an old people's home. But a big factor is the style of family living. It's pretty common for the eldest son to live in a semi-detached house with his parents, and the wife of the eldest son gets the responsibility of looking after her husband's parents.

What has changed in recent years is the structure of families. In the past families of many generations lived together, and most of the extended family lived in the same town or street. This created a two-way support network. Older relatives helped with babysitting, and younger relatives helped with caring for the elderly.

These days, in the global society, we don't have this kind of structure anymore. Kids often move to the big city (if not another side of the planet like me) and wives are no longer expected to become a part of their husband's family to the extent that they become carers for his parents. City living, working styles and small apartments also don't lend themselves to caring for the elderly.

Elderly people in Japan do seem to remain independent and energetic for much longer.. and the public transport system plays a reasonable part in this. Even at 90 they can still get around tokyo pretty easily.

I can't imagine what will happen with my parents, because right now they are still travelling the world and they have always been so lively that I can't imagine them as ever needing care. If I'd remained living with them then it'd be natural to continue caring for them. But if you've lived separately for decades, in a different city (or country), it's a much bigger leap to suddenly take on that duty.

Hard question.